Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
