Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Randomize
