Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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