you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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