Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.