He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
