He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
