It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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