Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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