Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
