Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's never too late to be topless.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
