omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize