Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
