I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
birth control should be required to get into college
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
