Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
