drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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