I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
