Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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