I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
