I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
