The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
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I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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