Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
