Just fell off a train. Bad.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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