I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
