tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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