I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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