Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize