We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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