New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
