in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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