I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
