Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
