i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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