I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....