ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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