My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
