We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
