i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
