The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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