I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
