no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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