you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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