May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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