Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
