Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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