my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
