every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
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I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
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she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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