and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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