can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
