Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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