Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.