Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.