watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
