party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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