I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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